So...yeah. Weird afternoon.

The struggle to make through an afternoon is underway. Usually on Tuesdays I have my therapist appointment right now, but she's out of town or something this week. I've been off today and have been pretty productive, got laundry done, dishes done, dinner all planned out, a few rows of crocheting on my newest baby blanket project. I needed some motivation so I started cranking tunes on the computer here from my vast playlist. The only problem with that is that some of my music can make me so unbearably sad it alters my already unstable mood. Bleh. Blah. WAHHH! ;)


I was thinking about how stupid and one-sided history is. I am not taking away from the horrible obvious suffering that went on in different wars, but there are many victims in war. Even the "enemies" suffer. I know people aren't going to like this but that's too bad. I think there was more suffering that went on for the Germans, Russians, and Japanese than anyone will ever know because our history books only highlight things like the Holocaust. I am not taking away from that, don't get me wrong here, I am just saying that that is not the only thing that happened in World War II, and the Jews are not the only people that suffered. EVERYONE did. Even now, there is so much crap going on over in the Middle East we'll never know about. It makes you wonder why there is so much more PSTD now? I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that the military didn't want to recognize it back in the day. It's all so STUPID! Don't even get me started on how women have suffered for centuries without having been in a "war"....HA!!!!

I don't know, life is so messed up just on a day to day basis I don't know why I am off on a tangent about war crap. I guess because some of the music I listen to is considered "Nazi" music. Well, whatever, I like the music and I don't see how singing about being proud of European heritage is lumped into the "Nazi" category and deemed racist! From what I know, Rap music is about being proud of being a ghetto thug, who's got the hottest booty and most bling, and there are some really blatant anti-white and anti-women lyrics, but no one dares to go after that because of the NAACP or something.  (Now there's something else..."politically correct"???? There is absolutely NOTHING correct about politics these days is there?)  Hey, that's what's it all about, people voicing their opinions whether it's politically correct or not. If one race or religion is allowed to voice their opinions without sanctions, why can't all races?

My heritage is mostly Irish and I happen to know that the Irish have been a persecuted race for centuries. It didn't end when my ancestors came over here to America because of the potato famine or whatever they came here for either. You just don't hear about Irish persecution and discrimination until you really do some researching. I think it's also because we Irish didn't have a group to stick up for us like other races have had. They dealt with it on their own, and you certainly don't hear anyone Irish whining about how their great-grandfather was an indentured servant or had to take the worst jobs available because the Irish "weren't welcome." I'd  really hate to think that if I was actually able to write music and sing, and recorded songs about how the O'Neills were kings of Ulster or what the Irish went through at the turn of the century here in America that someone would come after me and call me a "Nazi"!

Again, I am not knocking people of other races, I am just trying to point out the hypocrisy and ignorance of so many people. It's that old refrain- "Why can't we just all get along?"

I might also point out I have probably gone off on this tangent because I don't want to deal with some of my own "stuff" and am distracting myself with something totally out there! :) I guess it worked for a little bit.

Now it's time to make dinner. I'm off to cook, with all kinds of crazy music playing in the background and me singing totally off key until Mr. Country Music Leon gets home and ruins my concert. That's how I roll.

What Does It Feel Like When Love Dies?

I am fairly, at least 90% certain that my love for Leon died tonight. I am not sure how to feel, or what to feel. I am feeling a cross between my heart breaking and falling on the floor and bleeding out, and just, numb. I didn't cry as much as I expected. I feel sad, but more angry. I feel oh so horribly disappointed. I think that my hope finally disappeared because it knew there was no reason to keep hoping.

It's bad enough that I have major abandonment issues, like, say he had left me. That would have been really bad and hard to deal with. I am not sure what's worse, to be abandoned like that, or to be abandoned like I have been, WITHIN this relationship. It's bad enough the little intimacy he gave me in the beginning was cut off entirely. OK, so I can deal with that, I thought. There is more to life than sex. (WHAT WAS I THINKING??) Ok, so then the affection was cut off. I didn't think I could deal with that, and I probably haven't with either, I think it's just a process of numbing myself. Then it was help around the house. Then it was time spent together, which when he lost his job, got even WORSE. Now it's come down to every weekend, pretty much both days, he has something going on with his friends and I am alone with the dog.

Funny thing about that dog Roxy, she will cuddle with me and follow me everywhere when we are home alone, but the minute he decides to show up again, she deserts me for him. Abandonment from the dog too????? I am really this pathetic? Am I really this loathsome to be around? Why does it seem the nicer I try to be, the harder I try not to take things too personally and try to understand him, the more I try to keep loving him, the more he pushes me away and puts up walls, yet keeps telling me he loves me? Actions speak SO much louder than words. His have become veritable screams.

I know I have "issues." I know I can be hard to live with when I am in depressive mode, when I am in emotion dysfunction land, when I am blowing up at him over little stuff because I cannot deal with the larger stuff......but really, I cook for him, I clean for him, I pick up his messes, I do his laundry, I try to make him feel special even when he is not making me feel that way...I guess no matter how "good" I am or how "bad" I am it doesn't matter.

What to do and how to do it? I guess this is really the last straw and we need to go our separate ways. I told him tonight I am done, I cannot take this anymore. He said "Whatever." That was helpful. NOT! I am quite sure in the morning he will act like nothing happened and that everything is all back to "normal". I don't think I can do that.

I'm scared. He's hurt me for the last time. I'm afraid to be alone, but I might as well be alone the way things are. I am terrified that this is it, that no man will ever want to be with me because I am so screwed up and apparently not worth spending time with. It's bad enough my marriage ended in part because my ex "couldn't deal anymore with me being depressed all the time." Mental Illness is such a stigma, yanno, like can you see me putting up a personal ad: "I'm mentally ill, but I am med compliant and in treatment. I have physical problems too, but don't let that scare you away. My ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend didn't want to be with me, but I really am a nice person though, so take a chance." YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd be the belle of the personal ads with that one for sure!

I'm just scared. I know I am supposed to see my own worth, but honestly, so many people have made me feel unworthy for the better part of my life, I am having a really hard time seeing much of worth about me. I can see little things, but don't think they are enough. I'm scared, I'm hurting, I want to run away and hide somewhere for a long time, yet at the same time I don't want to be alone.

Maybe things will look better tomorrow, but I have a feeling they won't. I have to stay in this moment anyhow, and not worry about tomorrow, but right now this moment SUCKS so why do I want to stay in it?
I hope the answer comes to me in a dream tonight, because I don't think it will any other way.

If anyone read this, thanks for listening.