It's been forever and a day since I've done anything with the old blog here. It's all changed around now, so that's interesting. Well, here goes nothing.
This week, the 11th to be exact, would have been my wedding anniversary. I believe if we hadn't divorced, it would have been 27 years. I know, why look back at things you can't change, right? It still bothers me though. It's been 5 years and it's truly like grieving the death of someone you love. It hurts a little less each year, but it still hurts a lot. My father told me that I remind him a lot of my dearly departed Aunt Bertha. She was divorced I believe in her 40's too, and she never got over it. She did find the love of her life in her later years, but I think she was still tortured about her divorce.
I think another reason I have a hard time about it is that he re-married the same year we divorced. He had told me he would never get married again, so that was a hard fucking pill to swallow. Before I come off like a total hypocrite, yes, I do have a boyfriend, but it's definitely not happily ever after and there will be no marriage for me again! Been there, did that, have the deep scars under the t-shirt. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. In fact, there are times I believe that it would behoove me never to have an intimate relationship again. Ha, well, in this case it's really not an intimate one anyhow, so there you go.
Almost right after our divorce was final, I had my breakdown. So I guess if I want to celebrate an anniversary, I can celebrate the anniversary of being diagnosed with numerous mental illnesses. Ah yes, that's a milestone to be proud of. OK, OK, so I need to look at it more like it's the "anniversary of the beginning of my recovery." That sounds like something they would say in AA, doesn't it? There's nothing wrong with that except I am not an alcoholic so the connotations are all wrong. What the Hell could I call it? "The anniversary of my new life" just does not wax poetic to me either. I don't know, maybe I should just drop it and call it nothing. I can't help that I'm sentimental though. There has to be something, like, what, "Julia-Part II!" Or would that be Part IV, if you count age 0-17 childhood, 17, motherhood, 18-40 married life? I am up for any and all suggestions of those who deign to read this.
Some people would, and do say- "Well, I've lost a lot but at least I have retained (or found) my self." I can't even say that!!!! I'm working on it, but my self still eludes me.
Some people would tell me to "let it go." How in Hell do you do that? There are always the memories, and many good ones! I think that would be like erasing the whole thing like it never existed, and I can't do that. I can't just have convenient amnesia or something and "forget" it all happened! I think he has been able to do that, bully for him, but I can't! I just don't know what I am supposed to do I guess. Keep moving forward, I know it's all that you can really do, but it's hard some days.
