I just made up that word- "downering." It means going down farther, drowning, slipping down the Path of Sadness. The weird thing is that I am not even sure why I have seemed to have been sucked into it's vortex, yet I'm there.
Part of it inadverdently has to do with Osama Bin Laden. Well, more like 9/11 I guess. With all the stuff on the news this morning they were of course talking about 9/11 and I got to remembering that day and what went on. At the time, I was still married and living in Columbus, Ohio. We had very decent jobs for the first time in our lives, and our kids were in high school with not too many major issues yet. I just got so sad thinking back to when it seemed everything in life was perfect and then 9/11 happened. I also cannot forget the irony of how our divorce was final on 9/11 of 2007. May 11th would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. I am not discounting the very real and horrible tragedies of other people, but we've all got our own, on a national level or not. I think the really big thing that struck me on learning the news of Bin Laden's passing was that it took 10 freaking years and the loss of countless lives to get him???? Then I think, oh wow, I wish I could go back 10 years and start back over from there. What's done is done though, and you can't go back. THERE! I think I just hit on some of what's bothering me...!!!! In all my therapies I have been through they always harp on the same thing, "The past is over, the past is done, you can't dwell on the past, you can't relive your past, AD NAUSEUM. Well, if this is so, WHY is the past always brought back up for us to relive, by the media, or by others you know in life? Also why do they always say "you have to learn from the past." Well duh, if you have to learn from it, you obviously have to go back and remember it! Not all things in the past are good to remember, let alone learn from! So, WHY? Shit, I just keep confusing myself here.
That last paragraph is now in the past. So, do I delete it because it's over, or leave it there to ponder upon?
I guess Leon is right when he says that I think too much for my own good.
Speaking of Leon, there's another source for my current downering. It seems I see less and less of him these days and of course the intimacy is about as dead as Bin Laden. I believe he tries, but he is just too broken himself. I wish he would go get some kind of therapy himself, but I am pretty sure he never will. It's even gotten worse the past year since we've had Roxy. He gives all his attention and affection to her, while I am out in the cold begging for some for me. My therapist tells me it's because he doesn't know how to really relate to a woman, but he can relate to the dog so he gives it all to her. Yet, stupid me, I can't break up with him. I'd have to break up with the dog too because I know it would kill her to be separated from Leon. She loves me, but loves him just that little bit more. I already lost my two babies Trinity and Thor in the divorce, I don't want the pain of being separated from another dog too. Yeah, I am fucked up, this we know to be true.
Further I fall down and downering.
My tired mind keeps wondering
Is there a point to all this misery?
Not yet, not that I can see.
All I can do is ride the tide
And hope I come out on the other side.
