Today at therapy we delved into my issues with Femininity. Those who know me well know that I LOATHE wearing bras and pretty much never wear one anymore. One day a couple weeks ago I had to wear one due to a particular shirt I wanted to wear out in public without the titty censors coming after me. I was struggling to put in on when I had a vivid flashback of being very little and running around outside with no shirt on, same as my younger brother. I don't recall the age, but I must have been four or five. Anyhow, one day it was all normal then the next it was like- "YOU HAVE TO WEAR AT LEAST AN UNDERSHIRT BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIRL AND GIRLS CAN'T RUN AROUND WITH NO SHIRT ON." I was LIVID!!!! I think I probably threw a temper tantrum about it. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!!! I wanted to be a BOY because they didn't have to wear a shirt when it was unbearably hot out!
Hence, probably my first introduction to "Men have all the power in this world."
I also remembered being about 10 and getting my first training bra. I was not impressed, but at the same time I was led to believe it was something to be proud of. Well, ok then, I saw my Grandpa outside and I ran out and whipped up my shirt and said "Look Grandpa!" I am sure he was embarrassed, but he didn't say anything that I remember, probably, "oh, that's nice" HAHA! However, my Grandma and Mother went off on me freaking out about how young ladies don't show men what's under their clothes or some shit. I don't know if I said it, but I know I had to have been thinking, "But, that's not a man, it's GRANDPA!"
More UNFAIRNESS.
I know I wasn't the biggest tomboy around, but I did my best. I liked boy's clothes better, their shoes/sneakers better, I wanted hockey skates and not figure skates, I wanted some of the toys my brother had, like a racecar track. I loved my dolls, and I loved playing house and being the mother, not the father, but there were a lot of things I wanted/liked that were "boys'."
Synopsis from my therapist:
I took the wanting to be a boy=having power, and instead of feeling that I could be powerful just by being a woman, turned it on myself so that I was FLAWED. There was something wrong with ME, not society. I lost any power I had from being feminine because I was fighting the system. The things I wanted so badly got all twisted somehow and I let them get me down even though I thought I was winning the fight. I didn't fit the "societal ideal" of a woman with how my body was constructed, so instead of working with what I have, I fought against it. I refused to dress up, I didn't like makeup, I didn't like anything "girly."
She asked me what did I think about powerful women that I knew, and I said, "well, they're mostly bitches." Fighting against myself again, ya think?
She wants me to write what I think about femininity, and specifically my own. Ummm... _______ draws a blank! All I know is that it's amazes me that I hold to spiritual beliefs and tenants that embrace DUALITY, yet I am actually quite hypocritical when it comes down to it personally.
I am not sure what I am trying to say here yet. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of cultural mores that messed me up that I need to get rid of. You know what else is really messed up? Women my age grew up being taught about "Women's Lib" and "Equality." There were all the fights to let girls play contact sports, to take industrial arts instead of home ec. While we were having all this stuff about Women are Equal shoved down our throats, the opposite kept being brought home to us. We STILL earn less than men. We never got a pro football or hockey team. (That I know of.) We still keep getting called sluts and whores for how we dress while we had makeup and popular fashion thrown at us. We were shown within our own families how women still kept getting the shaft. Some of our mothers may have entered the workforce, but dammit, that supper better be on that table when the MAN comes home. We saw our Moms continually working after their workday was done, while our Dads got to watch TV and we weren't supposed to "bother" them. When we grew up, many of us had better choices than our mothers, but certain things didn't change. My ex-husband was very helpful around the house, but I know lots of people who didn't have that help, and still don't, even now in the 2000's!!!!!!!! Remember that stupid Enjoli commercial?? We brought home the bacon all right, and still had to fry it up in the pan. Did we never ever let "him" forget he was a man? I don't freaking think so! Did anyone make us remember we were women? You bet they did, and not in good ways! It's that damned DOUBLE STANDARD no matter where you go.
Wow, ok, enough soapboxing here.
How many of us are there, with these same issues, that never got resolved? I think most people just move on, but we all know I am different HAHA!
That's it for now, except I don't really feel any better after getting this all out. :(
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Remembering Mrs. Mitchell.
When I was growing up there was a friend of my Grandmother's who was like another Grandmother to us. Her name was Mrs. Mitchell. Her first name was Beatrice, but everyone called her "Beat" or maybe it was "Beet." LOL I always called her Mrs. Mitchell, even when I was grown up.
She was married, to Mr. Mitchell. (haha) His nickname was "Chick". I think his first name was Monroe, but I am not 100% sure on that. I used to laugh whenever people referred to them as "Beat and Chick" because obviously that sounded pretty funny!
They lived up the street from us in a little white house that Mr. Mitchell built for them. They were childless, due to some affliction Mrs. Mitchell had from birth I believe, but they absolutely LOVED children. They always had like at least 20 cats and kittens around, and I do not exaggerate. They had a little garden shed in the back yard and some of the cats just lived in there, some in their garage, and some in their house. Needless to say the house always smelled, which was unfortunate, because she was a very neat housekeeper.
I remember when we would go over, my brother would tail Mr. Mitchell around and he would talk to him about lawn mowing and gardening and cars and all that guy stuff. We all always wanted to see the cats and especially the kittens. I remember one time Mrs. Mitchell made me up a little sewing kit in an old tin and put little pieces of material in it too. She brought it over to me so that I could make my own doll clothes. I still have that tin, and probably some of the things in it, but definitely that tin. I treasured it then, and treasure it now.
Sometime along the way I stopped going over with my mom, some due to "growing up" and some due to not liking the smell in the house, but I still saw them a lot out at stores and such. Mr. Mitchell died either when I was in high school or right after, I am not sure on the date. After I was married and had my kids, my mother told me how lonely Mrs. Mitchell was and would I come with her to visit again. The cat smell was so bad by now that it would literally burn your eyes when you went in the house, but I just dealt with it somehow. When I watch those animal hoarding shows on TV, I think of poor Mrs. Mitchell and all her cats and how she never seemed to notice the smell.
She loved my daughter Jessi so much. Jessi loved to visit her too, and we would have the best time. To this day, Jessi and I both feel bad that we didn't spend more time over there. I would make her little decorations for holidays, and Jess was always drawing her pictures and making her cards. Eventually, we moved and weren't near enough to visit regularly. Poor Mrs. Mitchell had to end up in a nursing home and we never saw her again. I think my Mom went to visit her in the nursing home, and I think she may have had dementia if not Alzheimers. From my work in nursing homes I just couldn't bear to go see her in there, but I guess she wouldn't have known me anyhow.
There are things I will never forget about her, that I strive to keep on in her memory. She loved cooking and collecting recipes. She had an old typewriter that she would type them out on. One time she had me look through her collection, and I wrote down some that I have in my recipe box. I do actually make some of them! She loved plants and gardening. I so wish she was still around so I could learn more about houseplants from her. She had the most beautiful plants, despite being steeped in the cat smell! LOL She grew me slips from two of her plants, which have long since died with my black thumb. She also crocheted. She made hats and mittens all the time and gave them to the church because it made her sad to think of children being cold if they didn't have winter things to wear. I have the patterns she used to make them. My children wore her hats and mittens for years themselves. She had a ripple blanket made out of scrap yarn that was so beautiful, and she told me how to make that too. I have some old patterns and a few craft books she gave me, and still some pieces of material she gave me too. She loved dolls. I made her a little doll with a sunbonnet, and she put it on her shelf with her favorite dolls and told me she talked to her every day and it made her a little less lonely. She would buy things at yard sales and give them to others. She gave Jessi at least a couple dolls and some stuffed animals she had gotten at a yard sale. I remember her telling us about when she was a little girl. I believe she was one of six children, and I think they had all died before her. She missed them terribly.
One other huge memory I have is when my brother and sister and I were little, she would babysit us on weekend nights when my grandmother couldn't for whatever reason. I remember us sitting in Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell's living room with them watching Glen Campbell on TV. She loved him! Now I saw that he has Alzheimer's. It's all so sad.
She had one of the most caring, generous hearts and I hope in some ways I can carry that on for her. I think Jessi feels the same way.
I am so glad she was in my life, and she made my life better by being in it. I really miss her a lot. I love you Mrs. Mitchell, I hope you knew that. (Somehow, I think she probably did know.)
She was married, to Mr. Mitchell. (haha) His nickname was "Chick". I think his first name was Monroe, but I am not 100% sure on that. I used to laugh whenever people referred to them as "Beat and Chick" because obviously that sounded pretty funny!
They lived up the street from us in a little white house that Mr. Mitchell built for them. They were childless, due to some affliction Mrs. Mitchell had from birth I believe, but they absolutely LOVED children. They always had like at least 20 cats and kittens around, and I do not exaggerate. They had a little garden shed in the back yard and some of the cats just lived in there, some in their garage, and some in their house. Needless to say the house always smelled, which was unfortunate, because she was a very neat housekeeper.
I remember when we would go over, my brother would tail Mr. Mitchell around and he would talk to him about lawn mowing and gardening and cars and all that guy stuff. We all always wanted to see the cats and especially the kittens. I remember one time Mrs. Mitchell made me up a little sewing kit in an old tin and put little pieces of material in it too. She brought it over to me so that I could make my own doll clothes. I still have that tin, and probably some of the things in it, but definitely that tin. I treasured it then, and treasure it now.
Sometime along the way I stopped going over with my mom, some due to "growing up" and some due to not liking the smell in the house, but I still saw them a lot out at stores and such. Mr. Mitchell died either when I was in high school or right after, I am not sure on the date. After I was married and had my kids, my mother told me how lonely Mrs. Mitchell was and would I come with her to visit again. The cat smell was so bad by now that it would literally burn your eyes when you went in the house, but I just dealt with it somehow. When I watch those animal hoarding shows on TV, I think of poor Mrs. Mitchell and all her cats and how she never seemed to notice the smell.
She loved my daughter Jessi so much. Jessi loved to visit her too, and we would have the best time. To this day, Jessi and I both feel bad that we didn't spend more time over there. I would make her little decorations for holidays, and Jess was always drawing her pictures and making her cards. Eventually, we moved and weren't near enough to visit regularly. Poor Mrs. Mitchell had to end up in a nursing home and we never saw her again. I think my Mom went to visit her in the nursing home, and I think she may have had dementia if not Alzheimers. From my work in nursing homes I just couldn't bear to go see her in there, but I guess she wouldn't have known me anyhow.
There are things I will never forget about her, that I strive to keep on in her memory. She loved cooking and collecting recipes. She had an old typewriter that she would type them out on. One time she had me look through her collection, and I wrote down some that I have in my recipe box. I do actually make some of them! She loved plants and gardening. I so wish she was still around so I could learn more about houseplants from her. She had the most beautiful plants, despite being steeped in the cat smell! LOL She grew me slips from two of her plants, which have long since died with my black thumb. She also crocheted. She made hats and mittens all the time and gave them to the church because it made her sad to think of children being cold if they didn't have winter things to wear. I have the patterns she used to make them. My children wore her hats and mittens for years themselves. She had a ripple blanket made out of scrap yarn that was so beautiful, and she told me how to make that too. I have some old patterns and a few craft books she gave me, and still some pieces of material she gave me too. She loved dolls. I made her a little doll with a sunbonnet, and she put it on her shelf with her favorite dolls and told me she talked to her every day and it made her a little less lonely. She would buy things at yard sales and give them to others. She gave Jessi at least a couple dolls and some stuffed animals she had gotten at a yard sale. I remember her telling us about when she was a little girl. I believe she was one of six children, and I think they had all died before her. She missed them terribly.
One other huge memory I have is when my brother and sister and I were little, she would babysit us on weekend nights when my grandmother couldn't for whatever reason. I remember us sitting in Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell's living room with them watching Glen Campbell on TV. She loved him! Now I saw that he has Alzheimer's. It's all so sad.
She had one of the most caring, generous hearts and I hope in some ways I can carry that on for her. I think Jessi feels the same way.
I am so glad she was in my life, and she made my life better by being in it. I really miss her a lot. I love you Mrs. Mitchell, I hope you knew that. (Somehow, I think she probably did know.)
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