Wow, yeah, so I had a dissociative episode this afternoon. So much has happened the last couple of days that I guess I was not handling it like I thought I was. Yesterday was the scare over my Dad having to go to the ER with symptoms of congestive heart failure. Then I am dealing with a bunch of BS courtesy of my ex who, speaking of courtesy, doesn't have the courtesy to talk to me about things he was legally supposed to take care of and didn't and now I am dealing with fallout almost three years after the divorce. That's all I can or care to say about that. Today I get all the bad news from the dentist. I'll have to go through some intensive cleaning thing for periodontal disease in July that's going to cost around $600!!!! The real sucky thing about it is that I am like very OCD about brushing and flossing, well, brushing at least and I still ended up with the shit. I am also going to have to get a mouthgard to wear at night. So, with my C-pap and that I'll be sexier than Hell in bed, won't I? Not that Leon notices anyhow so I guess it doesn't matter. It's also weird because apparently I might have TMJ without having the usual symptoms, which is usually how it is in MEN, not WOMEN. I won't complain though, because I know TMJ is severely painful and I am spared that part of it. I just got the teeth being worn down thing. BLLLLLAAAAARGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, I am driving down to B-town to therapy and feeling all weird and unreal and then I go past the street where I got gang raped years ago and start to flashback and then WIINNGGGG.......it's like I am not me. I am driving the car and in control of that but it's like I am an alien and nothing is familiar even though it is familiar. I see people everywhere and it's like I am wondering what they are doing, are any of them freaking out and if not why do I have to be???? I get to the therapist's and am sitting in the car smoking one last cigarette before I go in and I am just like almost shaking and sick feeling like how you feel after a wicked adrenaline rush. Damn good thing I was headed to therapy huh? The worst, most incredibly fucked up part is the crux of the matter was that even though I don't know who I am, I totally DID NOT want to be ME. I don't even know who ME is and yet I don't want to be it???? I was facing the lake and I just wanted to like somehow float out over it and lose myself in the depths. Not drown mind you, but like find some kind of peace under the water, like if I could breathe underwater and just hang out down there where it was quiet and not of this world. Water is very grounding to me, so I can see why I was thinking that. I guess I should have taken a bath tonight, but I didn't.
I realize this is some heavy stuff to be putting out here for public access, but I have to get this out of me. Yes, I also know that I could not publish this publicly, but it's also my intent that some of my rambling here will speak to someone else and hope that they won't feel alone in their problems.
It's after midnight and I can't sleep, I finished reading "Lost" by Gregory Maguire tonight (how appropriate) and that didn't chill me out enough for bed. I guess writing this and listening to music are going to be the only way I can decompress. Honestly, as totally crazy as I sound in this post, I really don't feel like I am THAT crazy! It's just how my mind deals with too many bad things that come at once. I mean, by the time I walked into the waiting room, I was ok, and only a little off feeling and of course the therapist helped. I know things will look different in the morning. Not necessarily better for some of them, but maybe tomorrow I can get a handle on things Now I think I am finally tired though, so I am off to bed.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Who Am I? No, Really!
It's been a while since I blogged. I don't know, I get all gung-ho about something and then it just kinda fizzles out. Sometimes it's circumstances though, such as I would love to write in my blog but Leon is playing games on Pogo so I can't. Usually by the time I get to use the computer after he's done, I've lost my blogging urge. Some days it just seems like I am repeating myself so I figure why bother?
I didn't have my weekly therapist appointment this week. She was gone off somewhere again. It's a good thing nothing horrible was going on! She gave me "homework" to do in lieu of our session. Well, I did it, but it was really freaking hard and it was kinda scary actually. I had to write down things about myself, that are good, and that are not reflections from other people. I also had to make sure there were no "buts" in there. My usual thing is to say something like- "I'm good at crocheting but I can't design my own things" or "I'm a good cook but I am not professional chef quality." Ergo, this was a lot harder than it sounded! I think what really disturbs me is that a lot of what I put down really was a reflection of what someone else has told me, not necessarily things that I could just say about myself with inner knowledge of it. I still feel like it was so fake writing it. I know one of my big issues is that I have no sense of self, and this really brought that home to me. Someday it might be "fixed" but I don't know. I know lots of people go through life searching for themselves, but I feel like it's too late for me now. I feel like any chance I had at it is gone, and I am just doomed to keep plugging along with my self image being determined by everything or everybody outside me. It's a really weird feeling, and it's so scary. What if I do never find myself? Maybe I don't really exist? I mean, of course I exist, or else I wouldn't be typing this right now. It's hard to explain what I mean. It's like if I was a Changeling, or a Doppelganger. Yeah, that's it. I'm not sure if the "real me" was stolen somehow, or if it/I never even existed to begin with. It really creeps me out.
I don't think that all this medication I am on really helps sometimes. It has it's very good benefits, such as I can focus somewhat better, my emotional outbursts are few and far between now, and I am generally calmer. All good things, except that those "bad behaviors" were a part of me, part of what made me feel real. If I was lashing out at society or those close to me, or especially myself, I felt real. When I was engaging in self-harm, I felt real. When my mind was going 110 miles an hour, I felt real. Now, I just feel...numbed. I feel faker than I already did. My motivation is shot to Hell most days. It takes me half the day to feel like really going anywhere or doing anything, and then once I do, I get tired so easily it's not even funny. I don't even stay up late like I used to, I try but I can't make it. I always loved being up late at night, it was like it was "my time." I can't even say I am "Comfortably Numb" like you wish you were listening to Pink Floyd's song, hehe! It just really SUCKS. I know that not all of it is the medication, the "non-responsive sleep apnea" has a major starring role, and I know depression is at least playing second banana if not stealing the show. So what am I gonna do? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I trip and fall again I guess.
I didn't have my weekly therapist appointment this week. She was gone off somewhere again. It's a good thing nothing horrible was going on! She gave me "homework" to do in lieu of our session. Well, I did it, but it was really freaking hard and it was kinda scary actually. I had to write down things about myself, that are good, and that are not reflections from other people. I also had to make sure there were no "buts" in there. My usual thing is to say something like- "I'm good at crocheting but I can't design my own things" or "I'm a good cook but I am not professional chef quality." Ergo, this was a lot harder than it sounded! I think what really disturbs me is that a lot of what I put down really was a reflection of what someone else has told me, not necessarily things that I could just say about myself with inner knowledge of it. I still feel like it was so fake writing it. I know one of my big issues is that I have no sense of self, and this really brought that home to me. Someday it might be "fixed" but I don't know. I know lots of people go through life searching for themselves, but I feel like it's too late for me now. I feel like any chance I had at it is gone, and I am just doomed to keep plugging along with my self image being determined by everything or everybody outside me. It's a really weird feeling, and it's so scary. What if I do never find myself? Maybe I don't really exist? I mean, of course I exist, or else I wouldn't be typing this right now. It's hard to explain what I mean. It's like if I was a Changeling, or a Doppelganger. Yeah, that's it. I'm not sure if the "real me" was stolen somehow, or if it/I never even existed to begin with. It really creeps me out.
I don't think that all this medication I am on really helps sometimes. It has it's very good benefits, such as I can focus somewhat better, my emotional outbursts are few and far between now, and I am generally calmer. All good things, except that those "bad behaviors" were a part of me, part of what made me feel real. If I was lashing out at society or those close to me, or especially myself, I felt real. When I was engaging in self-harm, I felt real. When my mind was going 110 miles an hour, I felt real. Now, I just feel...numbed. I feel faker than I already did. My motivation is shot to Hell most days. It takes me half the day to feel like really going anywhere or doing anything, and then once I do, I get tired so easily it's not even funny. I don't even stay up late like I used to, I try but I can't make it. I always loved being up late at night, it was like it was "my time." I can't even say I am "Comfortably Numb" like you wish you were listening to Pink Floyd's song, hehe! It just really SUCKS. I know that not all of it is the medication, the "non-responsive sleep apnea" has a major starring role, and I know depression is at least playing second banana if not stealing the show. So what am I gonna do? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I trip and fall again I guess.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)