I've been doing a lot of writing the good old fashioned way, with pen and paper. There are a few drawbacks to that...it's not as fast as typing and I have been neglecting the old blog here! That's what happens when you have another person around who wants to play games on the computer so you can't get on to do your thing. Oh well, there is nothing wrong with a notebook and pen. It really got me thinking about how technology is not necessarily change for the better. I know many would argue the point, but I am not here to argue, just point out a few things.
I really am feeling the urge, or need to write more and obviously the computer is limiting. I can only do it in this one room. Sure, there are laptops, but they are expensive and I can't really justify the purchase of one, just because I want to write in other places than this room. I can take a notebook or journal with me anywhere, and I don't need electricity or batteries or wifi to run them! When spring finally comes, I want to be able to take my writing outside and write about nature and things. If I was writing that outside on a computer somehow I think it takes away from it. Of course, you know I want a damn laptop so maybe I am just trying to convince myself how great the old school way is! :)
My sister-in-law was telling me the other day that she read the infamous "they" want to do away with cursive writing. What the ........??????????????? Blasphemy, I say! Obviously people are going to still have to sign their names at some point in their lives! It's not just that, but it's an art, and most likely a lost art at that. Do you remember when we had to learn it in school? We thought we were all that because we could print, but when you could write in cursive, you'd hit the big leagues baby!!!! Remember the lined paper with the dotted line in the middle so you could make your letters correctly? I know I was so excited to learn cursive I could hardly wait until we did the next letter, and then when we finally got to Z I was a little disappointed that there were no more letters! I didn't like it that I couldn't make my letters as perfect as the guide we had over the chalkboard, but I guess I did pretty decent. I know when I was older, many of us ditched the "proper" way to write and invented our own ways of making letters in cursive. Some looked better than the originals, maybe some not, but it was definitely our own form of personal expression. I honestly do not think you can get that from playing with fonts on the computer. It's just not your original style, it's only a copy of someone else's. If anyone that actually reads my blog would like to, please comment on this! I would love to hear your thoughts on writing.
I suppose I should throw in some updates here on the DBT and CBT skills front. In some ways it's getting easier, and I think a lot of that is due to the Risperidone I am on. I hate that stuff in some ways because it's caused weight gain, and it has a horrible zombie-like effect in the mornings. I am so not a morning person to begin with, but this stuff just intensifies that to the n'th degree! However, it does help whatever my brain chemistry was missing. It slows my thought processes down enough to where I can control them better and pay attention to certain things instead of being all over the place and unable to focus or let things sink in. As a result, I am finding it easier to work with my skills and put them to use instead of just wanting to throw it all out the window. It also is allowing me for the most part to sleep through the night instead of the constant waking and going back to sleep. It's still hard to be proud of myself though, because even if I can use the skills better, it's like I am annoyed that I have to use them at all! Some people are just never satisfied, right? :)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tough Day, But I Shall Press On.
I was going to have to get up early this morning to get a mammogram, but Roxy decided that when Leon left at 3:00 am to do his plow route that WE had to get up. So, she's running all around and I say to Hell with it and make some coffee. What does Roxy do? Go right back to sleep! I was too paranoid to go back to sleep thinking I wouldn't wake up in time for my appointment at 8:15, so I sucked it up and stayed up. After the boob smushing was over, I had to run over to the Vets to pick up Roxy's next dose of heartworm pills, then off to Milton. I worked until 12:00 and was ready to crash by then, so I came home, stopping to pick up some meds for me, but not heartworm ones. Haha. I also found out that where I get my mammograms done, they are going out of business or something in a couple months so I will have to go get them done at the hospital now I guess. It sounds like such a little thing and shouldn't be a big deal, but change is hard for me at times, and that really bummed me out.
I called Leon when I got home thinking that maybe since he doesn't have an actual job or anything, (he hangs out at his friend's garage until 5:00 pm every day helping or bullshitting or whatever they do) that maybe he would come home early so we could do some grocery shopping. Of course not! He was "too busy" and said he didn't feel like going" and "who needs to eat anyway?" OK then- FUCK HIM. There will be no supper for him tonight! I don't know, I most likely am being childish about not making dinner tonight, but for Christ's sake, if he wants to be that way then he's got it coming to him! Or not coming to him, as the case may be!
I was seeing red so I just went and tried to take a nap. Roxy decided of course that she had to bark at everything just because I needed some sleep. I don't disturb her sleep, but of course she looks at things in her doggy way and decides my sleep is not her priority! I remembered today was my old dog Ginger's birthday. My brother didn't remember, which surprised me a little, because he loved her maybe even more than I did! I think it's really weird too that Roxy was born on March 20, and sometimes she acts just like old Gin-gin even though she's a totally different breed. Maybe she's channeling Ginger's spirit, since this was her house and she is buried out in the back yard. You never know!
I am just so tired, and that is not helping me deal. I feel like I should be putting out applications for a new boyfriend. HAH! One of my many problems is that I let myself get pushed and pushed, until one day it's just too far and then SNAP! I need to really be more proactive about this relationship issue, and handle it better than I am because right now I don't want to handle it at all. It seems though, that when I do let my feelings be known, I mess that up too, and it doesn't get me anywhere either. OK............BREAAAATHE. Funny how you can forget that most important bodily function!
I called Leon when I got home thinking that maybe since he doesn't have an actual job or anything, (he hangs out at his friend's garage until 5:00 pm every day helping or bullshitting or whatever they do) that maybe he would come home early so we could do some grocery shopping. Of course not! He was "too busy" and said he didn't feel like going" and "who needs to eat anyway?" OK then- FUCK HIM. There will be no supper for him tonight! I don't know, I most likely am being childish about not making dinner tonight, but for Christ's sake, if he wants to be that way then he's got it coming to him! Or not coming to him, as the case may be!
I was seeing red so I just went and tried to take a nap. Roxy decided of course that she had to bark at everything just because I needed some sleep. I don't disturb her sleep, but of course she looks at things in her doggy way and decides my sleep is not her priority! I remembered today was my old dog Ginger's birthday. My brother didn't remember, which surprised me a little, because he loved her maybe even more than I did! I think it's really weird too that Roxy was born on March 20, and sometimes she acts just like old Gin-gin even though she's a totally different breed. Maybe she's channeling Ginger's spirit, since this was her house and she is buried out in the back yard. You never know!
I am just so tired, and that is not helping me deal. I feel like I should be putting out applications for a new boyfriend. HAH! One of my many problems is that I let myself get pushed and pushed, until one day it's just too far and then SNAP! I need to really be more proactive about this relationship issue, and handle it better than I am because right now I don't want to handle it at all. It seems though, that when I do let my feelings be known, I mess that up too, and it doesn't get me anywhere either. OK............BREAAAATHE. Funny how you can forget that most important bodily function!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Nectar Of The Gods of the Seventies
Yesterday my brother was washing out a meatloaf pan and remarked that there looked like there might be rust forming in it. All I could think of was my Dad, and something he said years ago. I asked my brother if he remembered...
In the first house we lived in, we had a really old working refrigerator in the basement. I am not quite sure why, I guess as a backup. It was probably from the 1950's. One thing that I always remember being in this refrigerator were at least a couple bottles of ice water. There was no ice in it, it was just cold water, but my Dad always called it ice water. They were these old glass quart jars that orange and grapefruit juice used to come in, with metal screw-on lids. He would fill them up from the set-tub that was down there for the washing machine to drain into. I remember my Dad out mowing the lawn, and coming in the basement through the garage to grab a swig of his ice water. My Dad never wore shorts, in fact he never wore jeans! He was a college professor and always wore suits. His summer work clothes for around the house were an old pair of suit pants that were paint spattered and old short-sleeve button down shirts, also paint splattered. He wore an undershirt with the other shirt all the time. He must have been so hot out mowing the lawn in that get-up!
The ice water bottles eventually would get a ring of rust around the rims from the metal lids. We would be hot and thirsty too, and my Dad would offer us a swig of his ice water, but we recoiled at the rust. We probably whined to him that the rust was poisonous or something. I will never forget him telling us, "It won't hurt you, it'll just give you extra iron!" Being devotees of Bugs Bunny and Popeye, we knew iron was good for you! I am pretty sure I would always try to wipe the rust off the rim of the jar anyhow, and try not to let my lips touch the rust! We trusted him, and of course we thought he was so cool we had to be just like him so we drank out of those bottles many times during hot summer days. I wonder how many parents now would let their kids drink out of rusted rim bottles? Hey, we're all still alive including my Dad, so it couldn't have been that bad, right? It's so weird, but writing this, I can almost smell our cellar and taste that damn water! It really was ice cold, and had a faint citrusy note to it from the juice that had once been in the jar. I wish I had a drink of that right now, even though it's cold and snowing out.
In the first house we lived in, we had a really old working refrigerator in the basement. I am not quite sure why, I guess as a backup. It was probably from the 1950's. One thing that I always remember being in this refrigerator were at least a couple bottles of ice water. There was no ice in it, it was just cold water, but my Dad always called it ice water. They were these old glass quart jars that orange and grapefruit juice used to come in, with metal screw-on lids. He would fill them up from the set-tub that was down there for the washing machine to drain into. I remember my Dad out mowing the lawn, and coming in the basement through the garage to grab a swig of his ice water. My Dad never wore shorts, in fact he never wore jeans! He was a college professor and always wore suits. His summer work clothes for around the house were an old pair of suit pants that were paint spattered and old short-sleeve button down shirts, also paint splattered. He wore an undershirt with the other shirt all the time. He must have been so hot out mowing the lawn in that get-up!
The ice water bottles eventually would get a ring of rust around the rims from the metal lids. We would be hot and thirsty too, and my Dad would offer us a swig of his ice water, but we recoiled at the rust. We probably whined to him that the rust was poisonous or something. I will never forget him telling us, "It won't hurt you, it'll just give you extra iron!" Being devotees of Bugs Bunny and Popeye, we knew iron was good for you! I am pretty sure I would always try to wipe the rust off the rim of the jar anyhow, and try not to let my lips touch the rust! We trusted him, and of course we thought he was so cool we had to be just like him so we drank out of those bottles many times during hot summer days. I wonder how many parents now would let their kids drink out of rusted rim bottles? Hey, we're all still alive including my Dad, so it couldn't have been that bad, right? It's so weird, but writing this, I can almost smell our cellar and taste that damn water! It really was ice cold, and had a faint citrusy note to it from the juice that had once been in the jar. I wish I had a drink of that right now, even though it's cold and snowing out.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Chalk One Up For DBT and CBT Skills!
This past weekend was pretty hard. Since Leon and I got into a big fight I went into one of those downward spirals of negative emotions taking over. I still am not quite sure how I did it, but I resisted my urges of self-injury and got through it somehow! Man, it was SO HARD too. In retrospect, I think that finally some of the DBT and CBT skills I have been working on learning for the past two years finally sunk in and kicked in without me consciously doing them. I also think the medication I had to go back on has finally kicked in too and that is helping with keeping my thoughts more organized, among other things. I am supposed to be really proud of myself, but it's hard. I know that sounds really dumb, but it's true.
I went to my support group this afternoon and got really good feedback from everyone. Not only did it make me feel better, but I hoped it helped the others to not become so discouraged about their own skill issues. It just really sucks all around for everyone usually, so I hope that helped other people besides myself. I think the really hard thing is having to admit that these skills are actually doing something positive for me when for the longest time I have thought it was just a bunch of psycho-babble and that it was not going to help. *eats a big spoonful of her own words* *chokes on it* LOL!
Things in the relationship department are not necessarily resolved, but they are like, hopefully manageable. We shall see.
I went to my support group this afternoon and got really good feedback from everyone. Not only did it make me feel better, but I hoped it helped the others to not become so discouraged about their own skill issues. It just really sucks all around for everyone usually, so I hope that helped other people besides myself. I think the really hard thing is having to admit that these skills are actually doing something positive for me when for the longest time I have thought it was just a bunch of psycho-babble and that it was not going to help. *eats a big spoonful of her own words* *chokes on it* LOL!
Things in the relationship department are not necessarily resolved, but they are like, hopefully manageable. We shall see.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Why Can't I Be A Vampire????
I don't think it's too much to ask. Really. I have always been fascinated by them. I blame Sesame Street. The Count was so cool, who wouldn't have got sucked into the world of Vampires? No pun intended...maybe. I was even into them way before Ann Rice! I'd be a perfect Vampire too, I already have the always being alone thing down pat. I hate mornings, in fact I don't care for daytime all that much. Just think, I wouldn't have to worry about seasonal affective disorder anymore, I'd always be in the dark so I wouldn't be missing any light! I love the night and all it's creatures, and I even like blood. I should probably say that I don't find the sight of blood disturbing. Except when my kids got hurt, then I was pretty disturbed by it! I used to think that the big drawback was being immortal, when I get so tired of this world, but I decided that having all kinds of cool super-powers might make up for that. Impossible dream........oh how you taunt me!
This weekend was pretty much a bust in the old relationship department. When I say I have the being alone thing down, I am not kidding. It's one thing to do to keep yourself distracted and working on being productive when you are alone, but to have to keep it up the whole weekend because your supposed significant other is either gone, sleeping, watching TV without you, playing games on the computer for hours, not offering to help with anything, doesn't want to go anywhere with you, and then goes to bed really early leaving you once again alone with the dog.........well...I guess I can't complain because I could just end this dead-end raw deal. Seriously, how do I not get a worse complex than I already have over this???? How do I keep from thinking there is something wrong with ME, and that's why he acts like he does? I am supposed to believe that it's something wrong with him, and that he has issues with himself and it's not a reflection on me, but I am telling you, it's really fucking hard!!!! It also makes dealing with my own depression, anxiety and dysfunctional emotions 100% worse. People have told me to break up with him and find someone who really does make me happy and complete me, but all I can think of is that no one would want to be with me! I know, I know, I am basing it on my failed marriage and this dysfunctional relationship, but that's all I have to go on, you know???? It feels like that if I were to take another chance, I would end up being even worse off. I think I would be better off being alone, but then in many ways I hate being alone and fear being alone, so it's just a vicious fucking nightmare circle. Besides, I have so many health and mental issues no one in their right mind would want me anyhow. HAH! Well, there, I've said it. I honestly don't think I am playing the self-pity card here either, I am just being pragmatic.
I am still doing my Gratitude Journal but it has been a real stretch to come up with things the past few days.
This weekend was pretty much a bust in the old relationship department. When I say I have the being alone thing down, I am not kidding. It's one thing to do to keep yourself distracted and working on being productive when you are alone, but to have to keep it up the whole weekend because your supposed significant other is either gone, sleeping, watching TV without you, playing games on the computer for hours, not offering to help with anything, doesn't want to go anywhere with you, and then goes to bed really early leaving you once again alone with the dog.........well...I guess I can't complain because I could just end this dead-end raw deal. Seriously, how do I not get a worse complex than I already have over this???? How do I keep from thinking there is something wrong with ME, and that's why he acts like he does? I am supposed to believe that it's something wrong with him, and that he has issues with himself and it's not a reflection on me, but I am telling you, it's really fucking hard!!!! It also makes dealing with my own depression, anxiety and dysfunctional emotions 100% worse. People have told me to break up with him and find someone who really does make me happy and complete me, but all I can think of is that no one would want to be with me! I know, I know, I am basing it on my failed marriage and this dysfunctional relationship, but that's all I have to go on, you know???? It feels like that if I were to take another chance, I would end up being even worse off. I think I would be better off being alone, but then in many ways I hate being alone and fear being alone, so it's just a vicious fucking nightmare circle. Besides, I have so many health and mental issues no one in their right mind would want me anyhow. HAH! Well, there, I've said it. I honestly don't think I am playing the self-pity card here either, I am just being pragmatic.
I am still doing my Gratitude Journal but it has been a real stretch to come up with things the past few days.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
To Sleep or not to Sleep.......That is Always My Question!
So last night's sleep was ALL messed up. I think I forgot to list in all my ailments that I have GERD or Acid Reflux Disease, whatever you want to call it. Last night I think I was asleep about an hour when I woke up with reflux issues. So, I got up, chomped some rolaids, and of course Roxy decided she had to come hang out with me. Usually she will stay in bed sleeping. Anyhow, I sit up for a while to appease the reflux and go back to bed with Roxy about Midnight-ish. 3:00 am she is waking me up! She is off the bed on the floor and digging at me. She had pulled my hose off my cpap mask, and also stepped on the cpap and turned it off! What a little shit! Apparently all this was because Leon was up really early and she wanted to go out and be with him. I was like, no way man! Pulled her back up on the bed, fixed the cpap and tried to go back to sleep. I sort of did but Roxy was determined to get out of the bedroom so at 4 am I was up. Leon was gone by then so Roxy was mad. Stayed awake until just after 6 am and then went to sit in the recliner and she jumped up in my lap and PFFTT!!!!!!! Next thing I know it's 10:00 am!!!! ARGHHH!!!
Jumped in the shower and headed off to work. Worked til 2:30 then came home and puttered around. About 4:00 pm I went to sit down to knit for a little while, but was just spacy and fell asleep in the chair until 5:30 when Leon came home. I wake up feeling like I am coming off a 12-day drunk or something. Made scrambled eggs for supper, did all the dishes, more puttering, packed up a box to send off to Jess....and now it's almost 9:30 and I am wide awake! I wonder why???????????????????? Leon fell asleep about an hour ago. I think I spend more time alone in this relationship than I would if I was single! I tell you, some days it's so frustrating!!!!!!!!! I guess it's like my therapist tells me when I get all upset over everything to keep telling myself all I have to do is make it through the next 3 minutes and don't forget to BREATHE. Sometimes that helps.
Guess I'll just have to hope for a good night's sleep tonight. :)
Jumped in the shower and headed off to work. Worked til 2:30 then came home and puttered around. About 4:00 pm I went to sit down to knit for a little while, but was just spacy and fell asleep in the chair until 5:30 when Leon came home. I wake up feeling like I am coming off a 12-day drunk or something. Made scrambled eggs for supper, did all the dishes, more puttering, packed up a box to send off to Jess....and now it's almost 9:30 and I am wide awake! I wonder why???????????????????? Leon fell asleep about an hour ago. I think I spend more time alone in this relationship than I would if I was single! I tell you, some days it's so frustrating!!!!!!!!! I guess it's like my therapist tells me when I get all upset over everything to keep telling myself all I have to do is make it through the next 3 minutes and don't forget to BREATHE. Sometimes that helps.
Guess I'll just have to hope for a good night's sleep tonight. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
AWESOME News Today! :)
There is a special fundraiser going on for Spinal Muscular Atrophy called "Chapters-Voices of SMA." What they are doing is having a book published about families' experiences with SMA. 100% of the proceeds will go directly to research. The premise is for family members to write a chapter telling about how SMA has affected their lives. I wrote a chapter and sent it in and.............
I found out today that my chapter will be included in the book!!!!!!!
I am so thrilled to be involved with this wonderful and amazing project! I can't wait until the book comes out! Not just because I will be a "published author" so to speak, but because I know the stories from other people will be so good. Incredibly tragic, but good.
Other than that awesomeness, today was not too bad of a day. My therapist was on vacation for two weeks so today was my first appointment since before Christmas. Luckily I survived the two weeks without her, haha! I didn't mind the appointment, but the drive back out of Burlington was LOUSY! It's a wonder I survived that! Not helpful for the anxiety, that's for sure! I wonder sometimes just what the hell is wrong with some people.......I mean, this was nothing compared to most storms and people were driving like they were in a blizzard! Even with all that over-caution I heard on the news there were a bunch of accidents. I wonder how many were caused by over-paranoid people instead of the usual excessive speed for road conditions? I thought I was back driving in Columbus, Ohio in the winter again! They can't handle storms down there, but this is VERMONT the last time I looked.....right? I just don't get it. I hate driving in bad weather but I don't take chances or do stupid things like brake in the middle of the road for no reason!!!! It was one of those times that I wanted to prostrate myself in my driveway and kiss the ground when I got home! *End Rant*
Monday, January 3, 2011
Get Thee Behind Me!!!!
Here's one of the perks of my sleep apnea......I was told it's "non responsive." In a nutshell, even though I sleep with a C-Pap machine every night, ninety or more percent of the time it just doesn't help. Using a C-Pap has definitely improved my high blood pressure, but as far as the restful sleep thing....not a chance. OK, to be fair, there are some days I think it works, but they are few and far between. Most days I wake up feeling like I never slept and it will take me half the day to feel "awake" only to want to go back to bed around 2-5 PM. Crazy, ain't it? It figures, because for most people with sleep apnea, they feel like that BEFORE they get diagnosed and get their machines. One night's sleep with their C-Pap and the choirs of Angels are singing the Hallelujah Chorus over their beds when they wake up the next morning. Me? I claw out of the covers to something like an out of tune Death March!
Apparently today was one of those days where the damn thing didn't make a difference. I need to rephrase that though, because it does make a difference as in I am actually getting oxygen to my brain at night (shock!) but it doesn't noticeably make me feel "better" or "awake". I should also mention that the non-responsive sleep apnea is happily and permanently married to anxiety, depression, and my emotional dysfunction. So, the worse I feel sleep deprived-wise, the worse the other things get. The other things, will affect my sleep, or lack of quality sleep. We have a no win situation here people! Get Thee Behind Me Vicious Cycle!
Fortunately, at least as of this writing, no bad mental stuff has appeared. *KNOCK ON WOOD!*
Today I have felt like I was maneuvering through a pea soup-ish fog. I did finally get out the door, and was able to work for 2 whole hours today. Those 2 hours felt like a 12 hour shift though. I remember all the crazy shifts I used to work in the past, 2nd, 3rd, splits, back to backs, and wonder how I even did it. My sleep doctor told me that the years and years of whacked out shifts also contribute to my problems, because all the years of sleep I lost between work and raising kids never renews itself. I think most people think you catch up on lost sleep, but apparently you never do. At least in my case. If I tried to work an 8 hour shift in any of my past occupations, I would never make it. I think too, that when I have a really good day and get tons accomplished, it somehow exhausts me for the next. I ought to pay attention and see if there is a pattern there. It may sound like I am whining here, but I am not. Well, maybe just a little. I am just grateful for the little work I can do because it could be a lot worse. I am also grateful I have such a nice boss too! Yes, Sue, that would be you! :)
Speaking of being grateful, I decided to start another Gratitude Journal. All you do is list 5 things every day you are grateful for, no matter how inconsequential they seem. I did one a couple years ago for about 6 months and then bailed, just me and my not following through I guess. It really did make a difference though, so I decided to start it up again. I won't list it here, because I already wrote it in a special notebook. Actually, I will tell you one thing I wrote tonight: "I am grateful that I didn't have to cook tonight." Thank Goodness for leftovers on a bad sleep apnea day! :)
Apparently today was one of those days where the damn thing didn't make a difference. I need to rephrase that though, because it does make a difference as in I am actually getting oxygen to my brain at night (shock!) but it doesn't noticeably make me feel "better" or "awake". I should also mention that the non-responsive sleep apnea is happily and permanently married to anxiety, depression, and my emotional dysfunction. So, the worse I feel sleep deprived-wise, the worse the other things get. The other things, will affect my sleep, or lack of quality sleep. We have a no win situation here people! Get Thee Behind Me Vicious Cycle!
Fortunately, at least as of this writing, no bad mental stuff has appeared. *KNOCK ON WOOD!*
Today I have felt like I was maneuvering through a pea soup-ish fog. I did finally get out the door, and was able to work for 2 whole hours today. Those 2 hours felt like a 12 hour shift though. I remember all the crazy shifts I used to work in the past, 2nd, 3rd, splits, back to backs, and wonder how I even did it. My sleep doctor told me that the years and years of whacked out shifts also contribute to my problems, because all the years of sleep I lost between work and raising kids never renews itself. I think most people think you catch up on lost sleep, but apparently you never do. At least in my case. If I tried to work an 8 hour shift in any of my past occupations, I would never make it. I think too, that when I have a really good day and get tons accomplished, it somehow exhausts me for the next. I ought to pay attention and see if there is a pattern there. It may sound like I am whining here, but I am not. Well, maybe just a little. I am just grateful for the little work I can do because it could be a lot worse. I am also grateful I have such a nice boss too! Yes, Sue, that would be you! :)
Speaking of being grateful, I decided to start another Gratitude Journal. All you do is list 5 things every day you are grateful for, no matter how inconsequential they seem. I did one a couple years ago for about 6 months and then bailed, just me and my not following through I guess. It really did make a difference though, so I decided to start it up again. I won't list it here, because I already wrote it in a special notebook. Actually, I will tell you one thing I wrote tonight: "I am grateful that I didn't have to cook tonight." Thank Goodness for leftovers on a bad sleep apnea day! :)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Short but Sweet!
Today was actually a good day. :)
Made 13 bean soup with the ham bone from yesterday's dinner, and homemade oatmeal bread. I won't make that particular recipe again though, it was ok but way too molassessessy! Yes, I declare that a word!
Started a baby sweater, a knitted one. Didn't have to go anywhere, got floors mopped. Thrilling indeed, but no stress and no issues today. Well, except all the dishes I had to do. Damn things multiply like rabbits!
I am thankful for a good day for a change.
Made 13 bean soup with the ham bone from yesterday's dinner, and homemade oatmeal bread. I won't make that particular recipe again though, it was ok but way too molassessessy! Yes, I declare that a word!
Started a baby sweater, a knitted one. Didn't have to go anywhere, got floors mopped. Thrilling indeed, but no stress and no issues today. Well, except all the dishes I had to do. Damn things multiply like rabbits!
I am thankful for a good day for a change.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year....Hopefully Mindfully and One Day at a Time
Welcome 2011.
I hope this year will be better for me. Last year wasn't horribly unbearable, but it was crappy enough in a lot of ways. Of course when you are me, and have Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Dysfunction, Anxiety, Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, VERY low and possibly at times non-existent Self-Esteem, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Sleep Apnea, and ride the borderline of being Diabetic.....well, lets just say things can be pretty crappy and unbearable for me that aren't for most people. That was a freaking mouthful!! I may even have left out some disorder or another. Anyhoo, it's all one big vicious circle for me pretty much on a daily basis, and can be for the people around me too, though I try not to drag too many people down with me. :P
It's kind of hard to make this public knowledge here, but on the other hand, I know there are many of you who having known me through the years will suddenly have the proverbial light bulb turn on over your heads. :) It may explain a lot to you, or you may not even care, but that's O.K. too.
I was talking to my daughter and asked her how she dealt with her bouts of depression. She told me that she just finds ways to get herself out of it and moves on. My son has expressed a similar solution, as in sucking it up, dealing with it, and moving on. Here's the kicker for me about that. Apparently there is at least one if not more chemical disorders in my brain that won't allow that function for me. I have to be on numerous medications and follow various sets of skills I have in workbooks to make my mind do what it's "supposed to" to deal with even daily life. In other words I have to work with practicing and using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy from books and worksheets that most people can just automatically perform in their brains without even thinking about it. It's not easy. Some days I think I probably need to lug my binders around with me, but that's not necessarily practical. You can't just pick up a book in the middle of a disagreement and say- "Hold on a sec, I need to check how I am supposed to act here and respond to you." A lot of it does get ingrained in my memory, but when the emotions take over as they do so often, everything else becomes useless.
Some days I can be as "normal" as anyone else, whatever that is! In fact, for years, I passed myself off as "normal" somehow. It just all caught up with me one day a little over 3 years ago and BLAM! Not a good scene at all. Does anyone remember that show "Night Court"? There were a few episodes with John Astin playing Harry Anderson's step-father. He had just got out of a mental institution and said with a maniacal look on his face- "But I'm doing MUCH better NOW!" Well, that's kinda how I feel. I wasn't institutionalized though, so it could have been worse, right? :)
Other days......ehhhhh.......not so much. One of the tricks to all this is to be able to recognize triggers or feel it coming on, but my Distant Early Warning System isn't always in operation. Then everything can crash and burn in seconds over something very inconsequential. The fallout isn't very nice either. It's confusing as all Hell too, to be sad and feel like no one cares about you and feel so lonely, yet at the same time you want to hide and avoid people. It's also very hard when you have been negative your whole life pretty much, to try to do the opposite and be positive. The worst is when you have been working SO HARD to be positive and then a negative thing comes along and cancels it all out. Another thing is that even though I know I have been working so hard on keeping it all together and didn't act out or have a meltdown, yet at the same time somehow can't see it, or acknowledge it. Weird, huh?
I think that's enough revelation for now.
My intentions with this blog are to help myself, by writing, though I will leave the really sordid stuff for offline journaling. I also hope to spread some awareness and promote acceptance for mental illness. Oh, before I forget, I am including a link to a pretty decent definition of Borderline Personality Disorder for those interested, or of course you can Google it yourself.
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=17770
If anyone actually reads this and responds, I would appreciate it.
I hope this year will be better for me. Last year wasn't horribly unbearable, but it was crappy enough in a lot of ways. Of course when you are me, and have Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Dysfunction, Anxiety, Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, VERY low and possibly at times non-existent Self-Esteem, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Sleep Apnea, and ride the borderline of being Diabetic.....well, lets just say things can be pretty crappy and unbearable for me that aren't for most people. That was a freaking mouthful!! I may even have left out some disorder or another. Anyhoo, it's all one big vicious circle for me pretty much on a daily basis, and can be for the people around me too, though I try not to drag too many people down with me. :P
It's kind of hard to make this public knowledge here, but on the other hand, I know there are many of you who having known me through the years will suddenly have the proverbial light bulb turn on over your heads. :) It may explain a lot to you, or you may not even care, but that's O.K. too.
I was talking to my daughter and asked her how she dealt with her bouts of depression. She told me that she just finds ways to get herself out of it and moves on. My son has expressed a similar solution, as in sucking it up, dealing with it, and moving on. Here's the kicker for me about that. Apparently there is at least one if not more chemical disorders in my brain that won't allow that function for me. I have to be on numerous medications and follow various sets of skills I have in workbooks to make my mind do what it's "supposed to" to deal with even daily life. In other words I have to work with practicing and using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy from books and worksheets that most people can just automatically perform in their brains without even thinking about it. It's not easy. Some days I think I probably need to lug my binders around with me, but that's not necessarily practical. You can't just pick up a book in the middle of a disagreement and say- "Hold on a sec, I need to check how I am supposed to act here and respond to you." A lot of it does get ingrained in my memory, but when the emotions take over as they do so often, everything else becomes useless.
Some days I can be as "normal" as anyone else, whatever that is! In fact, for years, I passed myself off as "normal" somehow. It just all caught up with me one day a little over 3 years ago and BLAM! Not a good scene at all. Does anyone remember that show "Night Court"? There were a few episodes with John Astin playing Harry Anderson's step-father. He had just got out of a mental institution and said with a maniacal look on his face- "But I'm doing MUCH better NOW!" Well, that's kinda how I feel. I wasn't institutionalized though, so it could have been worse, right? :)
Other days......ehhhhh.......not so much. One of the tricks to all this is to be able to recognize triggers or feel it coming on, but my Distant Early Warning System isn't always in operation. Then everything can crash and burn in seconds over something very inconsequential. The fallout isn't very nice either. It's confusing as all Hell too, to be sad and feel like no one cares about you and feel so lonely, yet at the same time you want to hide and avoid people. It's also very hard when you have been negative your whole life pretty much, to try to do the opposite and be positive. The worst is when you have been working SO HARD to be positive and then a negative thing comes along and cancels it all out. Another thing is that even though I know I have been working so hard on keeping it all together and didn't act out or have a meltdown, yet at the same time somehow can't see it, or acknowledge it. Weird, huh?
I think that's enough revelation for now.
My intentions with this blog are to help myself, by writing, though I will leave the really sordid stuff for offline journaling. I also hope to spread some awareness and promote acceptance for mental illness. Oh, before I forget, I am including a link to a pretty decent definition of Borderline Personality Disorder for those interested, or of course you can Google it yourself.
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=17770
If anyone actually reads this and responds, I would appreciate it.
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