Dissociation

Wow, yeah, so I had a dissociative episode this afternoon. So much has happened the last couple of days that I guess I was not handling it like I thought I was. Yesterday was the scare over my Dad having to go to the ER with symptoms of congestive heart failure. Then I am dealing with a bunch of BS courtesy of my ex who, speaking of courtesy, doesn't have the courtesy to talk to me about things he was legally supposed to take care of and didn't and now I am dealing with fallout almost three years after the divorce. That's all I can or care to say about that. Today I get all the bad news from the dentist. I'll have to go through some intensive cleaning thing for periodontal disease in July that's going to cost around $600!!!! The real sucky thing about it is that I am like very OCD about brushing and flossing, well, brushing at least and I still ended up with the shit. I am also going to have to get a mouthgard to wear at night. So, with my C-pap and that I'll be sexier than Hell in bed, won't I? Not that Leon notices anyhow so I guess it doesn't matter. It's also weird because apparently I might have TMJ without having the usual symptoms, which is usually how it is in MEN, not WOMEN. I won't complain though, because I know TMJ is severely painful and I am spared that part of it. I just got the teeth being worn down thing. BLLLLLAAAAARGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I am driving down to B-town to therapy and feeling all weird and unreal and then I go past the street where I got gang raped years ago and start to flashback and then WIINNGGGG.......it's like I am not me. I am driving the car and in control of that but it's like I am an alien and nothing is familiar even though it is familiar. I see people everywhere and it's like I am wondering what they are doing, are any of them freaking out and if not why do I have to be???? I get to the therapist's and am sitting in the car smoking one last cigarette before I go in and I am just like almost shaking and sick feeling like how you feel after a wicked adrenaline rush. Damn good thing I was headed to therapy huh? The worst, most incredibly fucked up part is the crux of the matter was that even though I don't know who I am, I totally DID NOT want to be ME. I don't even know who ME is and yet I don't want to be it???? I was facing the lake and I just wanted to like somehow float out over it and lose myself in the depths. Not drown mind you, but like find some kind of peace under the water, like if I could breathe underwater and just hang out down there where it was quiet and not of this world. Water is very grounding to me, so I can see why I was thinking that. I guess I should have taken a bath tonight, but I didn't.

I realize this is some heavy stuff to be putting out here for public access, but I have to get this out of me. Yes, I also know that I could not publish this publicly, but it's also my intent that some of my rambling here will speak to someone else and hope that they won't feel alone in their problems.

It's after midnight and I can't sleep, I finished reading "Lost" by Gregory Maguire tonight (how appropriate) and that didn't chill me out enough for bed. I guess writing this and listening to music are going to be the only way I can decompress. Honestly, as totally crazy as I sound in this post, I really don't feel like I am THAT crazy! It's just how my mind deals with too many bad things that come at once. I mean, by the time I walked into the waiting room, I was ok, and only a little off feeling and of course the therapist helped. I know things will look different in the morning. Not necessarily better for some of them, but maybe tomorrow I can get a  handle on things Now I think I am finally tired though, so I am off to bed.