To The Blog-Cave!

Well, well, it has been a long time old Blog.
I think I lost the urge to write for a while because things seemed so repetitive.
They still are, what a shock, huh? :P
I am feeling really weird tonight. On any given night I am probably feeling weird anyhow, but tonight is a little more so than others.
When my therapist was talking to me today, she asked me when it was in my life that I probably started considering myself "stupid." I thought about it some and pinned it down to most likely 6th grade. I was shocked at the detail of things I started remembering that were scary and fucked up at that time. She told me that that is probably where a big part of my emotional growth, well, ended? Maybe not ended, but certainly froze. So even though I am 44 years old, I have the HUGE and TERRIBLE emotions of a 12 or 13 year old. AHHHH!!!! No wonder I am such a wreck sometimes! I mean, how many people can remember vividly the pain and change and seemingly insurmountable hurdles of adolescence? I can't believe that somehow I got frozen in time there emotionally. I didn't even see it happening all these years. I think that there were times it got shoved under the rug and I gave off the impression of being "normal" because obviously how did I make it all these years? Then I realized in all these memories, that my grandfather died the month before 6th grade started. Hello, is that a clue there or what? I know I never really dealt with that grief properly and then with all the changes 6th grade brought it makes a lot of sense now. Then too, my grandmother died at the end of my freshman year and my other grandmother died two months later, again before school started, again in the midst of big change. I know also I didn't deal with that terrible grief properly either.
I am not sure how to even begin to fix all this, but I have to try to do what my therapist told me today. I have to just admit that I am going through a very hard time in my life now, and be compassionate with myself. After beating myself up all these years I am not quite sure how to even be compassionate with myself though! You'd think that would be the easy part, right?
It's also weird because I knew all along that I wasn't REALLY stupid, it just FELT that way. I took it that my emotions were fact, and not what they really are, just indicators. Um, I am still doing that and it's hard to stop. All part of this lovely reprogramming. It's really hard work too. I am also supposed to be congratulating myself on my hard work, and when I do things the "healthy" way, and that's another damn hard thing.
I think I need a vacation from my brain! :)