Today at therapy we delved into my issues with Femininity. Those who know me well know that I LOATHE wearing bras and pretty much never wear one anymore. One day a couple weeks ago I had to wear one due to a particular shirt I wanted to wear out in public without the titty censors coming after me. I was struggling to put in on when I had a vivid flashback of being very little and running around outside with no shirt on, same as my younger brother. I don't recall the age, but I must have been four or five. Anyhow, one day it was all normal then the next it was like- "YOU HAVE TO WEAR AT LEAST AN UNDERSHIRT BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIRL AND GIRLS CAN'T RUN AROUND WITH NO SHIRT ON." I was LIVID!!!! I think I probably threw a temper tantrum about it. IT WASN'T FAIR!!!!!! I wanted to be a BOY because they didn't have to wear a shirt when it was unbearably hot out!
Hence, probably my first introduction to "Men have all the power in this world."
I also remembered being about 10 and getting my first training bra. I was not impressed, but at the same time I was led to believe it was something to be proud of. Well, ok then, I saw my Grandpa outside and I ran out and whipped up my shirt and said "Look Grandpa!" I am sure he was embarrassed, but he didn't say anything that I remember, probably, "oh, that's nice" HAHA! However, my Grandma and Mother went off on me freaking out about how young ladies don't show men what's under their clothes or some shit. I don't know if I said it, but I know I had to have been thinking, "But, that's not a man, it's GRANDPA!"
More UNFAIRNESS.
I know I wasn't the biggest tomboy around, but I did my best. I liked boy's clothes better, their shoes/sneakers better, I wanted hockey skates and not figure skates, I wanted some of the toys my brother had, like a racecar track. I loved my dolls, and I loved playing house and being the mother, not the father, but there were a lot of things I wanted/liked that were "boys'."
Synopsis from my therapist:
I took the wanting to be a boy=having power, and instead of feeling that I could be powerful just by being a woman, turned it on myself so that I was FLAWED. There was something wrong with ME, not society. I lost any power I had from being feminine because I was fighting the system. The things I wanted so badly got all twisted somehow and I let them get me down even though I thought I was winning the fight. I didn't fit the "societal ideal" of a woman with how my body was constructed, so instead of working with what I have, I fought against it. I refused to dress up, I didn't like makeup, I didn't like anything "girly."
She asked me what did I think about powerful women that I knew, and I said, "well, they're mostly bitches." Fighting against myself again, ya think?
She wants me to write what I think about femininity, and specifically my own. Ummm... _______ draws a blank! All I know is that it's amazes me that I hold to spiritual beliefs and tenants that embrace DUALITY, yet I am actually quite hypocritical when it comes down to it personally.
I am not sure what I am trying to say here yet. I have a lot of thinking to do. I have a lot of cultural mores that messed me up that I need to get rid of. You know what else is really messed up? Women my age grew up being taught about "Women's Lib" and "Equality." There were all the fights to let girls play contact sports, to take industrial arts instead of home ec. While we were having all this stuff about Women are Equal shoved down our throats, the opposite kept being brought home to us. We STILL earn less than men. We never got a pro football or hockey team. (That I know of.) We still keep getting called sluts and whores for how we dress while we had makeup and popular fashion thrown at us. We were shown within our own families how women still kept getting the shaft. Some of our mothers may have entered the workforce, but dammit, that supper better be on that table when the MAN comes home. We saw our Moms continually working after their workday was done, while our Dads got to watch TV and we weren't supposed to "bother" them. When we grew up, many of us had better choices than our mothers, but certain things didn't change. My ex-husband was very helpful around the house, but I know lots of people who didn't have that help, and still don't, even now in the 2000's!!!!!!!! Remember that stupid Enjoli commercial?? We brought home the bacon all right, and still had to fry it up in the pan. Did we never ever let "him" forget he was a man? I don't freaking think so! Did anyone make us remember we were women? You bet they did, and not in good ways! It's that damned DOUBLE STANDARD no matter where you go.
Wow, ok, enough soapboxing here.
How many of us are there, with these same issues, that never got resolved? I think most people just move on, but we all know I am different HAHA!
That's it for now, except I don't really feel any better after getting this all out. :(
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