I am fairly, at least 90% certain that my love for Leon died tonight. I am not sure how to feel, or what to feel. I am feeling a cross between my heart breaking and falling on the floor and bleeding out, and just, numb. I didn't cry as much as I expected. I feel sad, but more angry. I feel oh so horribly disappointed. I think that my hope finally disappeared because it knew there was no reason to keep hoping.
It's bad enough that I have major abandonment issues, like, say he had left me. That would have been really bad and hard to deal with. I am not sure what's worse, to be abandoned like that, or to be abandoned like I have been, WITHIN this relationship. It's bad enough the little intimacy he gave me in the beginning was cut off entirely. OK, so I can deal with that, I thought. There is more to life than sex. (WHAT WAS I THINKING??) Ok, so then the affection was cut off. I didn't think I could deal with that, and I probably haven't with either, I think it's just a process of numbing myself. Then it was help around the house. Then it was time spent together, which when he lost his job, got even WORSE. Now it's come down to every weekend, pretty much both days, he has something going on with his friends and I am alone with the dog.
Funny thing about that dog Roxy, she will cuddle with me and follow me everywhere when we are home alone, but the minute he decides to show up again, she deserts me for him. Abandonment from the dog too????? I am really this pathetic? Am I really this loathsome to be around? Why does it seem the nicer I try to be, the harder I try not to take things too personally and try to understand him, the more I try to keep loving him, the more he pushes me away and puts up walls, yet keeps telling me he loves me? Actions speak SO much louder than words. His have become veritable screams.
I know I have "issues." I know I can be hard to live with when I am in depressive mode, when I am in emotion dysfunction land, when I am blowing up at him over little stuff because I cannot deal with the larger stuff......but really, I cook for him, I clean for him, I pick up his messes, I do his laundry, I try to make him feel special even when he is not making me feel that way...I guess no matter how "good" I am or how "bad" I am it doesn't matter.
What to do and how to do it? I guess this is really the last straw and we need to go our separate ways. I told him tonight I am done, I cannot take this anymore. He said "Whatever." That was helpful. NOT! I am quite sure in the morning he will act like nothing happened and that everything is all back to "normal". I don't think I can do that.
I'm scared. He's hurt me for the last time. I'm afraid to be alone, but I might as well be alone the way things are. I am terrified that this is it, that no man will ever want to be with me because I am so screwed up and apparently not worth spending time with. It's bad enough my marriage ended in part because my ex "couldn't deal anymore with me being depressed all the time." Mental Illness is such a stigma, yanno, like can you see me putting up a personal ad: "I'm mentally ill, but I am med compliant and in treatment. I have physical problems too, but don't let that scare you away. My ex-husband and my ex-boyfriend didn't want to be with me, but I really am a nice person though, so take a chance." YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd be the belle of the personal ads with that one for sure!
I'm just scared. I know I am supposed to see my own worth, but honestly, so many people have made me feel unworthy for the better part of my life, I am having a really hard time seeing much of worth about me. I can see little things, but don't think they are enough. I'm scared, I'm hurting, I want to run away and hide somewhere for a long time, yet at the same time I don't want to be alone.
Maybe things will look better tomorrow, but I have a feeling they won't. I have to stay in this moment anyhow, and not worry about tomorrow, but right now this moment SUCKS so why do I want to stay in it?
I hope the answer comes to me in a dream tonight, because I don't think it will any other way.
If anyone read this, thanks for listening.
You know what I think and how I feel about the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteI think you CAN be alone and be happy. But I also feel that some day you WILL find someone that complements you--in both ways (do you know what I'm trying to say?)
Anyway, it may be uncharted territory for you, being alone, but you can make your own new, fresh map the way YOU want it to look.
Everyone is afraid to be alone. I think that is why we cling on to even bad relationships because bad is better than nothing. I am sooo guilty of that. But I guess sooner or later we have to make the decision to move
ReplyDeleteFoward alone but happy and hope we find that someone we were meant to be with without even looking . Hang in there. Thinking of you and sending healing thoughts your way
To Sue and Noreen-
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to ignore your comments. I thank you for your support and advice and caring more than I can tell you. ((((HUGS))))