Who Am I? No, Really!

It's been a while since I blogged. I don't know, I get all gung-ho about something and then it just kinda fizzles out. Sometimes it's circumstances though, such as I would love to write in my blog but Leon is playing games on Pogo so I can't. Usually by the time I get to use the computer after he's done, I've lost my blogging urge. Some days it just seems like I am repeating myself so I figure why bother?

I didn't have my weekly therapist appointment this week. She was gone off somewhere again. It's a good thing nothing horrible was going on! She gave me "homework" to do in lieu of our session. Well, I did it, but it was really freaking hard and it was kinda scary actually. I had to write down things about myself, that are good, and that are not reflections from other people. I also had to make sure there were no "buts" in there. My usual thing is to say something like- "I'm good at crocheting but I can't design my own things" or "I'm a good cook but I am not professional chef quality." Ergo, this was a lot harder than it sounded! I think what really disturbs me is that a lot of what I put down really was a reflection of what someone else has told me, not necessarily things that I could just say about myself with inner knowledge of it. I still feel like it was so fake writing it. I know one of my big issues is that I have no sense of self, and this really brought that home to me. Someday it might be "fixed" but I don't know. I know lots of people go through life searching for themselves, but I feel like it's too late for me now. I feel like any chance I had at it is gone, and I am just doomed to keep plugging along with my self image being determined by everything or everybody outside me. It's a really weird feeling, and it's so scary. What if I do never find myself? Maybe I don't really exist? I mean, of course I exist, or else I wouldn't be typing this right now. It's hard to explain what I mean. It's like if I was a Changeling, or a Doppelganger. Yeah, that's it. I'm not sure if the "real me" was stolen somehow, or if it/I never even existed to begin with. It really creeps me out.

I don't think that all this medication I am on really helps sometimes. It has it's very good benefits, such as I can focus somewhat better, my emotional outbursts are few and far between now, and I am generally calmer. All good things, except that those "bad behaviors" were a part of me, part of what made me feel real. If I was lashing out at society or those close to me, or especially myself, I felt real. When I was engaging in self-harm, I felt real. When my mind was going 110 miles an hour, I felt real. Now, I just feel...numbed. I feel faker than I already did. My motivation is shot to Hell most days. It takes me half the day to feel like really going anywhere or doing anything, and then once I do, I get tired so easily it's not even funny. I don't even stay up late like I used to, I try but I can't make it. I always loved being up late at night, it was like it was "my time." I can't even say I am "Comfortably Numb" like you wish you were listening to Pink Floyd's song, hehe! It just really SUCKS. I know that not all of it is the medication, the "non-responsive sleep apnea" has a major starring role, and I know depression is at least playing second banana if not stealing the show. So what am I gonna do? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I trip and fall again I guess.