Get Thee Behind Me!!!!

Here's one of the perks of my sleep apnea......I was told it's "non responsive." In a nutshell, even though I sleep with a C-Pap machine every night, ninety or more percent of the time it just doesn't help. Using a C-Pap has definitely improved my high blood pressure, but as far as the restful sleep thing....not a chance. OK, to be fair, there are some days I think it works, but they are few and far between. Most days I wake up feeling like I never slept and it will take me half the day to feel "awake" only to want to go back to bed around 2-5 PM. Crazy, ain't it? It figures, because for most people with sleep apnea, they feel like that BEFORE they get diagnosed and get their machines. One night's sleep with their C-Pap and the choirs of Angels are singing the Hallelujah Chorus over their beds when they wake up the next morning. Me? I claw out of the covers to something like an out of tune Death March!

Apparently today was one of those days where the damn thing didn't make a difference. I need to rephrase that though, because it does make a difference as in I am actually getting oxygen to my brain at night (shock!) but it doesn't noticeably make me feel "better" or "awake". I should also mention that the non-responsive sleep apnea is happily and permanently married to anxiety, depression, and my emotional dysfunction. So, the worse I feel sleep deprived-wise, the worse the other things get. The other things, will affect my sleep, or lack of quality sleep. We have a no win situation here people! Get Thee Behind Me Vicious Cycle!

Fortunately, at least as of this writing, no bad mental stuff has appeared. *KNOCK ON WOOD!*

Today I have felt like I was maneuvering through a pea soup-ish fog. I did finally get out the door, and was able to work for 2 whole hours today. Those 2 hours felt like a 12 hour shift though. I remember all the crazy shifts I used to work in the past, 2nd, 3rd, splits, back to backs, and wonder how I even did it. My sleep doctor told me that the years and years of whacked out shifts also contribute to my problems, because all the years of sleep I lost between work and raising kids never renews itself. I think most people think you catch up on lost sleep, but apparently you never do. At least in my case. If I tried to work an 8 hour shift in any of my past occupations, I would never make it. I think too, that when I have a really good day and get tons accomplished, it somehow exhausts me for the next. I ought to pay attention and see if there is a pattern there. It may sound like I am whining here, but I am not. Well, maybe just a little. I am just grateful for the little work I can do because it could be a lot worse. I am also grateful I have such a nice boss too! Yes, Sue, that would be you! :)

Speaking of being grateful, I decided to start another Gratitude Journal. All you do is list 5 things every day you are grateful for, no matter how inconsequential they seem. I did one a couple years ago for about 6 months and then bailed, just me and my not following through I guess. It really did make a difference though, so I decided to start it up again. I won't list it here, because I already wrote it in a special notebook. Actually, I will tell you one thing I wrote tonight: "I am grateful that I didn't have to cook tonight." Thank Goodness for leftovers on a bad sleep apnea day! :)