I don't think it's too much to ask. Really. I have always been fascinated by them. I blame Sesame Street. The Count was so cool, who wouldn't have got sucked into the world of Vampires? No pun intended...maybe. I was even into them way before Ann Rice! I'd be a perfect Vampire too, I already have the always being alone thing down pat. I hate mornings, in fact I don't care for daytime all that much. Just think, I wouldn't have to worry about seasonal affective disorder anymore, I'd always be in the dark so I wouldn't be missing any light! I love the night and all it's creatures, and I even like blood. I should probably say that I don't find the sight of blood disturbing. Except when my kids got hurt, then I was pretty disturbed by it! I used to think that the big drawback was being immortal, when I get so tired of this world, but I decided that having all kinds of cool super-powers might make up for that. Impossible dream........oh how you taunt me!
This weekend was pretty much a bust in the old relationship department. When I say I have the being alone thing down, I am not kidding. It's one thing to do to keep yourself distracted and working on being productive when you are alone, but to have to keep it up the whole weekend because your supposed significant other is either gone, sleeping, watching TV without you, playing games on the computer for hours, not offering to help with anything, doesn't want to go anywhere with you, and then goes to bed really early leaving you once again alone with the dog.........well...I guess I can't complain because I could just end this dead-end raw deal. Seriously, how do I not get a worse complex than I already have over this???? How do I keep from thinking there is something wrong with ME, and that's why he acts like he does? I am supposed to believe that it's something wrong with him, and that he has issues with himself and it's not a reflection on me, but I am telling you, it's really fucking hard!!!! It also makes dealing with my own depression, anxiety and dysfunctional emotions 100% worse. People have told me to break up with him and find someone who really does make me happy and complete me, but all I can think of is that no one would want to be with me! I know, I know, I am basing it on my failed marriage and this dysfunctional relationship, but that's all I have to go on, you know???? It feels like that if I were to take another chance, I would end up being even worse off. I think I would be better off being alone, but then in many ways I hate being alone and fear being alone, so it's just a vicious fucking nightmare circle. Besides, I have so many health and mental issues no one in their right mind would want me anyhow. HAH! Well, there, I've said it. I honestly don't think I am playing the self-pity card here either, I am just being pragmatic.
I am still doing my Gratitude Journal but it has been a real stretch to come up with things the past few days.
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